Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. After many, many months of Joyous blogging and the Such, I have decided to Close the Gentlemans retreat. It shall remain for as long as the Microsoft network will permit for archival purposes and so such.

Farewell dear friends, farewell.

Maybe just one farewell Drink?

Oliver

Good after - noon all! It has been too long since I was last here, so I thought I would Kick off the blogging with a little bit of a quiz. The next one to come will be a re-cap since I was last here... GCSE failure, College Entry, Rayboulding, Louise Baiting, the Lot. Cheerio!

Oliver

*Name: Oliver Jonathan Jeremy Lane
*Single or Taken: Taken
*Sex: Male
*Birthday: 7^th March (1989)
*Sign: Pisces
*Siblings: Sister, one, Fourteen Years of Age

*Hair colour: Brown
*Eye colour: Greeny
*Shoe size: 11 1/2
*Height: 6ft 1
*Innie or Outie: What on earth does that mean?
*What are you wearing right now: Grey Wool Trousers, Green Cotton Shirt
*Righty or lefty: Right (Almost Ashamed)
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*Where is your favourite place to shop: London!
*Do you have any tattoos or piercing?: Neither
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*Colour: Blue, I think!
*Number(s):  7
*Food: Calamari
*Boys name: Rupert, George, Richard, Things like that
*Girls names: Rachel, Emile, Some others which I cant remember… damn memory!
*Subject in school: Politics
*Animal: The Sheep?
*Drink: Gin & Tonic
*Celebrity: I dislike the Term ‘Celebrity’
*Sport: Target Shooting, Louise Baiting (:P)
*Veggie: Not a Vegetable Man, really.
*Fruit: Strawberries, Bananas
*Fast food place: Pizza hut, The only Fast food restaurant worth considering
*Place to visit: Anywhere in the World, I love to travel!
*Month: March, Obviously!
*Juice: Orange
*Finger: Right Index
*Ice Cream: Something with Chocolate, toppings, layers of cake, plenty of sauce, getting carried away…
*Breakfast: All day breakfast with a pot of tea! (In agreement with Robert)
*Perfume/Cologne: Not my sort of thing really
*Favourite cartoon character: Babar, I think that is the Chaps name!
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Have you ever?
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*Given anyone a bath: Not yet (is worried)
*Bungee jumped: No, don’t particularly want to either
*Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: I’m sure I have been at one stage or another, just no occasions that I can remember now
*Eaten a dog biscuit: Tempted, but never gone quite that far!
*Loved someone that made you cry: Yes!
*Played truth or dare: No, too much risk of doing something unpleasant
*Been in a physical fight: Not proper fisticuffs, however I have had to deal with people physically before.
*Been in a police car: yes I have
*Been on a plane: Too many times, the awful things
*Been in a sauna: Once for perhaps half a second… I’m not good with heat
*Been in a hot tub: Don’t think so
*Swam in the ocean: Yes, bally Freezing!
*Fallen asleep in school: Twice!
*Ever had a sex dream?: I believe so
*Flashed someone: With a torch
*Lied: No, of course not…
*Laughed so hard you fell off your chair: Yes!
*Wished you were someone else: I often wish I was a different me

*Wished you were a member of the opposite sex: I think a week as a Lady could be quite entertaining
*Made out with JUST a friend?: No
*Been in love?: yes indeed
*Used someone: All of the time, what are friends for, anyway?
*Done something you regret?: Although one should never dwell on regrets, I do wish I had spent less time on the internet and more time revising for my GCSE’s!

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*Your good luck charm: I don’t Believe in luck
*Stupidest thing you have ever done: I’ve never done something so bad that I regret it in that way
*Your most prized possession: My Computer, my Gold pass (as much as I would like to be able to say I do I don’t own Rachel!)
*Last thing you ate: Seabrook original sea salted crinkle cut crisps
*Favourite song: I don’t have one. It literally changes every day
*Best Thing that has happened to you this week?: Rachel! Every day…
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have you had…?
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*Chicken pox: Yes, cant remember though
*Sore Throat: Now!
*Cold: Still now
*Stitches: Sadly so
*Bloody nose: I used to have nose-bleeds when I was younger
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do you...?
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*Believe in love at first sight: Lust at first sight I think, but love has to grow over time
*Enjoy parks: Normally I cant appreciate parks on my lonesome, but I must admit that even on your own Hyde park is utterly incredible
*Picnics: Do I picnics? That’s an odd question.
*Like school: I disliked school in a very major fashion, however I am getting on very well with College.

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Who
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*Who is the last person that called you: Rachel!
*Makes you laugh the most: My friends truly are hilarious. And on top of that I’m normally quite a jolly chap
*Makes you smile: Most people I meet, although its normally a smug smile, accompanied by the thought: “What a moron”
*Can make you feel better no matter what: Rachel, she hasn’t failed yet
*You hugged: My sister, I think
*Messaged you: Rachel
*You Kissed?: Rachel! Huzzah…
*Is the last person you yelled at: Probably one of my friends… Sorry guys! I don’t like being mean!

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Do You/Are You...
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*Do you like yourself: yes, I’m very pleased. Although there is definitely room for improvement!
*Do you get along with your family: Not as much as I would like
*Do you do drugs?: The occasional aspirin… (no, not even that. I don’t even take medicines! Yes I know I’m weird)
*Do you colour your hair: Why would I do that? I’m happy with my hair
*Do you like piercing below the waist?: Piercing what? And how, I wonder ;)
*Habla español?: No!
*Stolen anything ever?: Probably before I knew better. And I often stole things from school… paper, pens etc!
*Obsessive: With some things, very much so
*Anorexic: Happily not!
*Depressed?: Never properly, however I am often quite down, especially when my mother is being arkward
*Suicidal?: never yet
*In love?: yes! How are you, Rachel?
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In the opposite sex..
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*Cute and mysterious or wild and sexy: A bit of both, although heavy on the former though.
*Dressy or casual: Dressy.
*Dark or blonde hair: I’m not swayed.
*Long or short hair: Again, it depends on the Individual
*Curly or straight hair: Straight, although curly looks fabulous on some
*Dark or light eyes: Not bothered, again!
*Long or short nails: Medium length, enough to look elegant yet not long enough to cause any damage to either party!
*Hat or no hat: Depends on clothes worn. As a general rule, hats are good.
*Good or bad: Good in general, but bad occasionally ;)
*Hair up or down: Depends on the Situation on hand
*Jewellery or none: Depends!
Tall or short: Shorter than me

*Trousers or dress: Dress preferably, however Trousers are acceptable in certain  situation
*Freckles or none: Not swayed
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*What do you notice first about a girl/boy: Obviously their appearance, you can hardly look at someone and say “Wow, they’ve got a great personality”
*Shy or outgoing: I think something in the middle. Or a variable personality to always keep me on my toes!
*Dimples: What are these Dimples of which you speak?
*What do you like the most in a girl/boy?: Personality, intelligence, general compatibility, Shared interests (but not to many), and finally, Looks!
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-----------------DESCRIBE-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] The shoes you wore today: Black Leather oxford Cuts. Lovely!
[x] Your eyes: Small gelatine spheres loaded with light receptors allowing me to visualise  the visible light spectrum.
[x] Your fears: I don’t particually like spiders, I also fear failure and loosing things. Strange boy I am!
-----------------WHAT IS--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Your most overused phrase on MSN: Good afternoon, My dear!
[x] Your thoughts first waking up: “Rachel ought to be texting soon” *Phone rings*
[x] Your best physical feature: I don’t particularly like any part of me
[x] Your bedtime: Entirely dependant on what is going on the next day, what I am doing that evening, and how tired I am. Anything from 10-2, I suppose!
[x] Your most missed memory: My Life before my parents split up!
-----------------YOU PREFER----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Pepsi or Coke : Coca Cola… Its far superior!
[x] McDonald's or Burger King: Hate them both, however I have been known to indulge in the occasional Burger from Mr. King
[x] Single or group dates: Single, allows more ‘ahem’ action

[x] Adidas or Nike: Rubbish Clothes, Rubbish Brands
[x] Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
[x] Cappuccino or coffee: Only ever tried coffee, and its ok I suppose. I’m a tea drinker by nature.
-----------------DO YOU---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Smoke: I have once partaken in a Pipe, and found it most pleasing.
[x] Curse: More than I should
[x] Take a shower everyday: I try to, and fail.
[x] Want to go to Uni: yes!
[x] Like high school: I destroyed all memories of that place
[x] Want to get married: I have found her I believe, and yes I do
[x] Type with your fingers on the right keys: Surely to type you must use the correct keys? Hang on, let me type that sentence with the wrong keys: jdiunbridnfhrshehiuhiehfiuhefefbsefiuehfebfbefifbe!!!
[x] Believe in yourself: I believe that if I try hard enough I can do anything, like anyone else
[x] Get motion sickness: Not that I am aware
[x] Think you're a health freak: No, I abuse my body. Sorry, body!
[x] Get along with your parents: No, not really
------------IN THE PAST MONTH DID / HAVE YOU---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Gone to the mall: One! Only just, It is nearly last month now
[x] Eaten sushi: No, although I have sat with people while they ate sushi
[x] Been on stage: In my mind…
[x] Been dumped: Certainly not!
[x] Gone skating: No?
[x] Made homemade cookies: I’ve eaten cookies!
[x] Dyed your hair: No
[x] Stolen anything: No

-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Flown on a plane: yes, damned things
[x]Missed school because it was raining?: I don’t believe so
[x] Told a guy/girl that you liked them?: Yes! And to my delight they liked me too!
[x] Cried during a Movie?: In my youth, and once recently… it was very emotional!
[x] Ever thought an animated character was hot?: is Dave around here somewhere?
[x] Cut your hair: I have a barber perform that service for me
[x] Had crush on a teacher?: yes, but once
[x] Gotten beaten up?: I know I have, but I cant remember it.
[x] Been in a fight?: I’m sure I have
[x] Shoplifted: I have never lifted a whole shop above my head, no
-----------------THE FUTURE----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Age you hope to be married: I should jolly well hope so
[x] Numbers of Children: Two should do me fine
[x] Describe your Dream Wedding: To the perfect partner
[x] How do you want to die?: Fighting for my country! Sad I know
[x] What do you want to be when you grow up?: Successful
[x] What country would you most like to visit? Everywhere I haven’t already been. I love travel…

----------------RIGHT NOW-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Drinking: Nothing
[x] Thinking about: my thoughts are divided amongst this quiz, Rachel, and my impending doom
[x] Listening to: Nina – 99 Red Balloons

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Cried: Nope
[x] Worn jeans: I haven’t worn those depriving horrible things in years
[x] Met someone new online: Yes! A Canadian girl whose name escapes me right now
[x] Done laundry: I will do when this quiz is finished
[x] Drove a car: No, damned things

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Your friends: yes, I believe in them, in that I think they are real. Is that what you meant?
[x] Santa Claus: Sadly not
[x] Tooth Fairy: No
[x] Destiny/Fate: I’m unsure… The braintangular of Rudemath has me at a Cross roads, unable to make my mind up!
[x] Angels: Rachel?
[x] Ghosts: No
[x] UFO's: Although I believe that there is life ‘out there’ I somehow doubt we have had contact with it
[x] God: No, I’m an Atheist

------------FRIENDS AND LIFE-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[x] Do you ever wish you had another name?: I wish my name was a bit more impressive sounding, however it is certainly much more impressive than most.
[x] Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: If you spend any amount of time with anyone, you will begin to take qualities from them. Strangely I think rob is most like me, but in a rather far off kind of way.
[x] Are you close to any family member?: My mum, and Dad, obviously. But not terribly close nowerdays, which isn’t good.
[x] What's the best feeling in the world?: Love! Obvious one that
[x] Worst Feeling?: For me, the feeling when you think you have lost/forgotten something, like thinking that you have left your phone/wallet/keys on the train that’s just pulling out of the station… that one gets me EVERY time.

 

Cabbaging: The Definitive Guide (Short Rules Version)

What's at stake

Aim: To reach, on a specified website, the page that is as far back in time as possible, from a specified starting page, in a specified number of clicks.

Rules and Guidelines:

1. This game can be played with any number of participants (or Cabbagers). However, to avoid cheating it is recommended that all Cabbagers are situated within the same building.

2. It is also recommended that an impartial umpire (or Gaffer) is appointed to oversee the game and prevent bloodshed or physical violence in extreme circumstances.

3. All Cabbagers must agree upon a starting page (or Genesis) of a specified site (or Patch); for example, the front page of the BBC News website. For further clarification, the URL of the Genesis may be emailed by the Gaffer to the Cabbagers.

4. The Gaffer will specify the number of links (or Swoops) that may be attempted by the Cabbagers (we recommend five). This is called a Swoop Allowance.

5. All Cabbagers may then begin to Swoop from the Genesis, using no more and no fewer Swoops than their specified Swoop Allowance.

6. Once a Cabbager's Swoop Allowance has been exhausted, the page they will have reached is termed their Omega. In order for scoring (or Hoeing) to be carried out fairly by the Gaffer, all Cabbagers must either a) make a note of the URL of their Omega (a Trough), or b) print out a hard copy (or Furrow).

7. All Cabbagers must then convene with the Gaffer to present their Troughs and Furrows for Hoeing. The Cabbager who has reached the Omega that is furthest back in time is duly crowned the Cabbage King, and is presented with the ceremonial Tunnock's Tea Cake.

8. In the event of a tie, the Omega with the most characters in its URL will decide the winner.

This game can also be played in single-player mode, where the object is simply to Swoop to the oldest Omega one can find and thus beat one's previous best Hoe. But please note that the Swoop Allowance must remain the same from one round to the next (and preferably the Patch and the Genesis also) for the Hoe to count as legal.

Notes: If a Cabbager Swoops to a separate Patch than was specified at the start of the game, they are immediately disqualified.

Pop-up windows do count as Swooping to a foreign Patch.

Where no proof of the age of the Omega is available, the Omega is nullified and the Cabbager must retire from the competition.

Reverse Swoops (Swooping to the page from which the Cabbager has just Swooped) is strictly forbidden and may result in arrest and/or prosecution.

Health Warning: Do not attempt to Cabbage for any more than one hour at a time. Regular breaks must be taken to allow the eyes and fingers to rest. The National Cabbagers' Association cannot be liable for any instances of RSI incurred whilst playing this game.

What ho chaps! Splendid to see your not all dead - or are you? I havent had a comment on my space from anybody in weeks! Most unsavoury. Anyway! following up from my last blog I have decided to create an independant website for this latest web-comic thingy. Its called http://www.el-nino.cjb.net/ and it will be the repository for all of my *ahem* attempts at art.

Well, thats all for now!

Cheerio!

Back in my ‘glory days’ (ahem) of six or seven years ago, I was much more creative than I am now. I suppose I would blame that on the computer, but now is not the time for silly quibbles such as that now, is it?

Anyway, I used to be a member of the CAT, or Cartoon art trust. This is an organisation that works desperately hard to preserve the United kingdoms cartoon heritage. Jolly good eggs they all are. Anyway, I was a member because I drew a vast amount of cartoons. Nothing special – nothing of any quality. Anyway, in between various purges (my mum tidying my room) and moving house a few times, the majority of these cartoons were destroyed.

 Some days ago I accidentally stumbled upon the last surviving page of one of my comics. I enjoyed reading it for best part of twenty seconds, and put it down (the original 1996 page is at the bottom of this blog). Some days later, I was desperate for something to do and accidentally tripped over it again. I then set to re-creating the comic, in colour, with higher quality images – not scribed with simple biro of a seven year old boy, but the Macromedia Fireworks of an adolescent.

I doubt you will enjoy this incarnation, as the story is simple and the language even more so. However If the feedback is somewhat positive, I may create the rest of this story. But who knows, eh?

The protagonist of this story (and indeed all others from that time) is a Grass munching sheep Called Nino (sometimes El-Niño). The stories focused on his never-ending battles with the omnipresent ‘army’ that seemed determined to stop him from getting at the best grass. Why they wanted to do this, I do not know. I never questioned my work that far at such an early age – however, today I think somewhat further between the lines. Perhaps he is grazing on the Salisbury plain? Who can know. In the end, it was always Nino whom came out best (in the vein of all comics), as it was always him with the better brains/guns.

Thanks for reading! See the new (2005) cartoon strip here, see the old one (1996) here.

Cheers!

Oliver

Good afternoon readers! It’s a lovely  August day and I’m stuck inside researching. Researching what?

Paris!

Yes that’s right, I may well be off to Paris next week! Why? Its all in the name  of spontaneity! Cant let boring routine hold me down. This morning, I had no idea. In a matter of minutes, a plan was formed. Catch the 0927 from Nuneaton station platform three on the morning of Wednesday the tenth of August. Arrive London Euston 1037 sharp, jump onto the Northern Line (southbound) and disembark at Waterloo international. Catch the 1341 to Paris Gare du Nord, arriving 1723 local time. Jump on the 93 bus and arrive at our ‘place of refuge’ for the next three days. For the two nights, live as simple folk, eating & living like the locals. After this brief spate of being ‘parisian’ (eating bread & cheese, painting, and drinking absinthe – at least this is what I think the French do in their leisure time) I will return home. Much similar to the outgoing journey, except this time without frogs to greet you as you get off of the train. Just invasive passport control johnnies. Anyway, thats my proposed plan in a nutshell. And all done so quickly! if you want to biff along I have two places and it should cost about £100. Hope to hear from you soon, what?!

 

Tally ho!